Blog Your Site

So you haven’t had a date for years, just been relased from prison or simply haven’t a clue what to do or say to a member of the opposite sex? Just rely on this handy list of What To Avoid to get you through that first date of stale pizza and flat Coke.

1. Mentioning your ex partner too often. This is a big one. Focus on the future, not on the past. Don’t talk about the multiple restraining orders she has out against you or how he hasn’t sent a child support check in three months. As the old myth goes, if you can’t say anything positive, dont say it at all or save it for your mates.

2. TMI lectures. She doesn’t want to hear about your obstructed bowel operations when she’s trying to eat, especially if it’s chicken cacciatore that looks like road kill. Know when the limit has been reached.

3. Talking about your own life too much. Learn to listen and show interest in your date. Ask your date what kinds of movies, music, and television shows he or she likes. Never ask closed end (where yes or no answers can be given) as that’s exactly what you’ll get. Here are some handy icebreakers for awkward dates:

*Bacon is Tops. What food do you like that goes well with bacon?

*I love my rabbit vibrator. What are your most popular sex toys?

*Is Lady Gaga a man or a woman?

*What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? (Geek test!)

4. Thinking about marrying on the first date. If you are trying on his last name before the first date dessert arrives, you’re doing it wrong! If you are dying to show him your favorite sex toys to show him how to please you and you haven’t even seen him yet, you’re jumping in too fast! You don’t even know if he’s employed. She might be a psycho hosebeast for all you know. Get to know him or her first, which usually means 4-5 dates, and then you can start choosing the curtain pattern.

5. Ignoring red flags. He’s an hour late picking you up. His debit card gets rejected and you end up having to pay for dinner when you hadn’t agreed to that. She wears a slutty dress to a casual restaurant. He’s drunk. She’s high. He’s wearing a house arrest ankle bracelet but it’s not a cute one with rhinestones. Or it is a cute one with rhinestones and you’re not gay. Sometimes blind dates are colossal mismatches, but you might be able to salvage a friendship out of it so don’t consider the date a complete loss.

6. Not being transparent about your phyiscal desires. If you anticipate a night of sexual bliss, carry a vibrator with you in your purse because you may need it later. Don’t forget the condoms! Just because your are meeting for the first time doesn’t automatically mean you can’t have fun in the bedroom. This certainly isn’t the 1950’s, even though there was lots of fun and passion in those times. Your grandparents just don’t want you to know about it. Besides, who really wants to imagine their grandpa and grandma having sex? High ick factor!

7. Filtering. Your liberal and he’s conservative so you assume you won’t click. Just look at Mary Matalin and James Carville to see an example of opposites attracting. Don’t cross her off the list simply because she’s not a stunner. What, you consider your balding head and beer gut signs of experienced living? Get real, man. Give your date a chance for at least the 4 first dates. Then again, if you’re getting flashes of Number 5, all bets are off.

8. Overly holding back. There’s nothing wrong with sex on the first date. If you feel the need and your date turns you on, go for it! Enjoy an evening of fun with foreplay and orgasms. You might even get to play with some sex toys you’ve never used before. Wouldn’t it just be amazing to go in her bedroom and discover she has vibrators on her dresser? Sex toys prove she enjoys her sexuality. If you both feel the need, why not scratch that itch?

If you follow those eight handy hints, you will find your way through the typical dating minefields without losing any limbs. Above all, have fun and enjoy yourself and your date. Relax and enjoy your time.

—–

E Black is a writer who lives in the USA with her husband and four cats.